Smoking and How it Makes you a Better Gaymer

According to the really healthy gays who made these posters about how more gay people smoke than their hetero counterparts, smoking is bad.  Even more so, these posters remind me why I can’t stand gay people (a joke…kind of).  These posters looked like club party posters and then I realized it was a gay targeted, anti-smoking ad.  These were plastered up and down Ballard Ave in front of ashtrays at bars.  Why do so many gay people smoke?  Is it because fags go with fags as well as fags go into other fags?   

The point is, for the past few weeks years, I’ve been trying to quit smoking.  How is this going you ask?  In general it’s going well.  I’ve gotten down to two packs a week compared to my one pack a day.  But here’s the hardest part.  I’ve got every trophy on Mass Effect 2 except for playing it on Insanity mode.  The name is pretty appropriate because it makes me want to fucking eat your face off and then laugh about it.  The thing about quitting smoking is…it makes me want to do the exact same thing.   

It doesn't help that this motherfucker is always smoking in ME2

Usually when I hit a hard part in a videogame and have tried to get through it a couple of times, I go outside and have a cigarette and refocus.  I also use this time to think of the gay parts of my life – which are few and far between these days.  I think about what Dan Savage told me that morning (yes, his podcast is directed solely towards me) and about how I hear the word “cock” at work every week.  I also wonder why there aren’t posters to tell people to stop using meth and cumming in each other.  Or maybe those are just limited to Capitol Hill. 

Ever since I have “quit”(ish), I haven’t been able to play Mass Effect 2 or anything else really hard.  I’m playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution and it’s really hard to not smoke while playing it.  Since my new rule is to only smoke on the weekend…I only play Deus Ex on the weekend and spend the weekdays playing some easier RPGs and FIFA World Cup. 

Sidebar: I’ve gotten into soccer recently…is that weird?  Please let me know in the comments.  Or just leave anything in the comments because I would totally love to have a conversation and hear how gross you think I am for saying the word cumming.

Basically what it comes down to is that smokers make better gays and better gamers.  So it can only be assumed that gaymers are even better when they smoke, right?  I mean what’s a little lung cancer compared to getting the platinum trophy on Mass Effect, a game with a platinum difficulty rating of 3/10 according to ps3trophies.org?  And last time I checked, cumming and smoking go hand in hand as well.

On Games, the Loch Ness Monster, and the 9/11 Anniversary

“Only some dumb fag would be caught playing Catherine.” – IGN user

It’s come to my attention that there are some basic stereotypes about avid gamers and avid homosexuals.  While both really like joysticks, everyone seems to think the two are exclusive clubs that one must be initiated into at a young age.  All gamers my age got into gaming with the Super Nintendo or the original Playstation more than likely.  And as the great Fred Phelps has 100% correctly asserted, all of my fellow queers were molested by Satan incarnate at an early age and set free upon the world to cause 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the desegregation of the South. 

Someone needs to tell them that interracial gay hand holding causes earthquakes

If you watch such highbrow entertainment as Sex and the City and Will and Grace, then you know that all gay people are bitchy, fashion conscious and FUN (you know how I’m saying that) individuals.  If you have ever met someone who is obsessed with World of Warcraft, then congratulations – you have just landed a sight more rare than the Loch Ness Monster because WoW addicts leave their home only to buy a year’s worth of Doritos and frozen school pizza from Costco.

 "Gotta go bitches!  The line for Skyrim is already starting!"

What it boils down to is that all hardcore gamers are straight men who are slobs and have no life.  It is also believed that all gay people can tell you how to wear any type of headpiece while not spilling their Manhattan while doing air quotes. 

What people don’t realize is this:  gay gamers can be just as gross and disgusting as their straight male counterparts.  And this, dear readers, is why I’m here.  I have started this blog to shed some light on just how disgusting the life of a Gaymer really can be.  This isn’t some life only to be led by a 400 pound guy with 1 friend other than his equally obese dog.  I have a Lanvin bow–tie and I live off cold pizza and my PS3.   I spend an equal amount of time on IGN as I do on The Huffington Post.  I play with BOTH kinds of joysticks.  And at the heart of it all, I am just as socially awkward and socially repellent as any other single, straight gamer.

This is my life as a Gaymer.