The Never-Ending Quest to Meet Mr. Simple

As you all know, there is only one thing I have ever asked the universe for: to meet a nice Asian boy (preferably Korean) and settle down.  And by settle down, I mean listen to Super Junior and learn all the dance moves to Bonamana

The Universe had other plans.

Instead of giving me an Asian boyfriend, I got into my second car accident of the year.  A guy in a blue Mustang pulled out in front of me on my own street and I hit him.  He was a middle aged Chinese guy. From Texas.  With a confederate flag iPhone case.

The Universe, not content to just laugh in my face only once, had the only witness be a Ballard Market employee who was half Asian and obviously gay.  He just laughed about how many car accidents happen in that intersection, bummed me a smoke (come off it, it was just one) and walked away - probably to never be seen again.

So remember that horrible cliche about being careful about what you wish for?  Well it's true.  The Universe is a cruel motherfucker.  First a horrible Super Junior album and then a chance meeting with a confederate flag toting Asian guy.  Thanks.

The good news is, while looking for my insurance information, I found my iPod I thought I had lost forever.  Silver lining?

The Ravings of a Lunatic

My favorite part is the back and forth he is imagining us having but that is totally not happening. 





B: UGH

Serena don't go treating Dorota like the damn help

where do u get off

WHO IS THIS NASTY BITCH AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN

"maybe we can jog his weed addled mind into remembering something" AHAHAHAHA WAIT ARE THE PRODUCERS READING MY FAN FIC?

"unfortunately the entire clue trail hangs by the flimsiest of threads: nates long term memory" I CAN'T WHY ARE U MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

Serena is DEPRESSED.  she has been dressing like a homeless person and her hair isn't tousled it's just straight up unkempt..

"what do we know about Portual?" "they...speak Portuguese?" DID THEY SMOKE A JOINT OFF CAMERA?

THINGS JUST GOT REAL EYES WIDE SHUT

don't mind me as I pretend you're actually listening to me and not tweezing your brows or waxing your shoulders or whatever trifle that is causing you to neglect me

WHAT IN GODS NAME

WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?

NECROMANCY

IS GOSSIP GIRL ACTUALLY THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS?  IS GOD ONE OF US?

FIRST SHE TURNS WATER INTO WINE BY LIFTING THE STATION OF THE HUMPHREYS, SHE FEEDS THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN FROM HER COMPUTER AND NOW SHE HAS BREATHED LIFE INTO THE DEAD

it would make sense if gossip girl were actually a god...no mortal could possibly come up with that many flawless bon mots without being a Gilmore girl

FUCK IS GOSSIP GIRL ACTUALLY FUCKING RORY GILMORE TROLLING PEOPLE FROM STARS HOLLOW?!!

GOD NOW MY HEAD HURTS

IT WOULD MAKE SENSE, EMILY GILMORE WOULD KNOW CICI RHODES AND HER ILK, I'M SURE LORELEI KNOWS LILY

...WHEN SERENA WENT TO BOARDING SCHOOL WAS IT ACTUALLY CHILTON?

AHHHHHHHHH

DOES THIS MEAN LANE KNOWS NELLY YUKI? DO YOU THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER FROM ONE OF THOSE WEIRD NONDENOMINATIONAL ASIAN CHRISTIAN BIBLE CAMPS?

nevermind, lane went to public school she's common

you've got to admit i'm on to something...

but it doesn't explain the devils bargain that was reached to bring Bart back from the dead

a virgin must have been sacrificed...ERIC

no, no, it's clear Damien dalgaard fucked him and threw him out like the first pancake

I need you to wake up and talk me down from these conspiracy theories

I feel bad for chuck...neither one of your fathers or mothers wants to lay claim to having birthed you

maybe chuck IS the devils bargain...maybe he is like Rosemary's baby

this is all DARKSIDED stuff!

almost as sinful as Blair looked in that herve leger...sorry i had to bitch looked SNATCHED from the damn cookie jar

I have quite literally tuckered myself out

lol you're prob gunna feel cool when u see 30 some odd texts until you see it's me waxing nonsensical about gossip girl

whatever, get over yourself, xena

come off your armored high horse, ok?  just because you have a reason to sleep before 5 and wake up for something doesn't make you a high functioning person like Georgina

Georgina sets more fires by brunch than the London rioters did in a week, ok?

too soon? lol lyeah right it's been like a year

...was your shelly duvall lookin ass friend there when that happened?

Blair is trying to find her old self, maybe Serena should try that instead of being a frigid bitch.  she's probably just cranky because the last dick she sucked was in fucking november and had been inside ivy dickens

no ones [sic] knows what a lack of dick and bad case of dry mouth can do to one's emotional state like i do, ya feel me?  she's just lonely and blair has her go-to rebound dick locked up like the heirloom jewelry

and you can tell she is not amused by Lola's draping herself all over Nate like she owns the place

YOU KNOW SHE IS ITCHING TO BE LIKE "YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT EVERYONE SAYS ABOUT YOU?  THEY SAY YOU'RE A PUBLIC SCHOOLED DRAMA GEEK WHO'S A LESS HOT VERSION OF ME!  SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FAKE APOLOGIES AND SHOVE UP YOUR UNBLEACHED ASSHOLE"

but instead of getting hit by a bus, everyone in the rooms phone would go off with a GG blast about how she was spotted doing something ill bred like walking too close to webster hall

OK BYE

do u think rufus sits at the loft listening to teardrops on my guitar all day?

OK BYE

I find the fact that dorota isn't a live-in ABSURD

I'm gunna throw my phone across the room

ME:  I wish you would

B: ....................EXCUSE ME?

ME: Your 383939 messages woke me up (cry face)

But back to sleep.  will discuss later

B:  AHAHAHAHA OH SORRY HAHAHAHAHAH BYEEEE

ME:  If if have any texts left...

B:  OMG I FORGOT OMG BYE IM RUNNING AWAY BYE

Bennington Did Not Prepare Me For Real-World Sex

What's the opposite of a fair-weather friend blog writer?  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it took a bad (ridiculous, embarrassing, dumb) experience to get me to write something.  And I have Liz Phair to thank for that.

You know that feeling when you hear a song and it just perfectly parallels your life?  And, more specifically, it feels like something epic, something new and something no one else could ever comprehend?  We all have that 14 year old tween in us so why not admit it - "THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN ABOUT MY LIFE YOU GUYS ~*~OMGOMGOMGOMG~*~"

This is why, when listening to "Shatter" by Liz Phair at work the other day, I felt like I had just been slapped in the face.  It was like I was driving down the road and a big truck switched lanes without looking, pushing me off the Aurora Bridge.  Then after floating through the Ballard Locks, the Puget Sound water pulled me out to the ocean until I landed on the heap of trash floating towards our shores from Japan.  Once I floated back to shore, my life made so much more sense.  And by make sense, I just mean that feeling written about above.

Let's be clear - only the first half applies.  I'm not in love with anyone.  But let's rewind and get some context.

I've been more or less celibate so far in Seattle.  This is a combination of choice and accident.  I've had the opportunity to but haven't wanted to.  I've also wanted to but haven't had the opportunity.  There would probably be more opportunities if I wasn't playing the new Final Fantasy obsessively but hey, who cares.

Point is, I got laid.  And it was either just okay or earth shattering.  Going without it for a year can make it seem way better than it was.  Basically, I pulled a College move and after hanging out for the whole night and getting drunk, we hooked up.  So what?  It happens, right?  It's happened to me before and neither of us were offended.  Neither of us felt less respect towards the other.  But that was my first mistake.  And then it dawned on me - I'm not in fucking college anymore.

At Bennington, we only had 600 students so if you fuck someone on the first date, you have no choice BUT to see that person again.  In Charlotte, everyone I  knew went to the same bars and parties.  But this grown-up world I now inhabit is completely different.  And this was my first kick to the nuts that made me realize it.  In the afterglow of this (most likely) amazing sex, he commented on the fact that I was easy and said that I was whorey.  I know he meant it as a (mostly) joke.  But I still don't give a fuck.  I'm still pissed about it.  I could have gone into a big spiel about how I felt a pretty big connection, thought he was really funny, it's been over a year and I chose him not because I was a whore but because I liked him, but really I would have just ended up looking desperate or in denial.  All I could come up with was "Ummm...I mean you fucked me too.  So why am I the whore?"  His response?  "I would have blown my load with or without you here."  I didn't know what to say so I just went to sleep.  Too much information?  Yeah, me too.

Is the same double standard between men and women manifesting itself in the gay culture?  The bottom is the easy one and the whore but the top is a man if he beds a lot of dudes?  I, personally, think that is bullshit.

Basically, it all boils down to me not feeling sleezy about what happened.  I felt pretty good about it actually.  All until I was suddenly declared a whore.  And that first stanza in Shatter really just perfectly described how I felt in that moment.

I've chalked it all up to a lesson on the "real world" dating rules I apparently know nothing about.  All I'm worried about now is that I might trip and fall on a dick and be called a whore again.  How many other rules are there that I don't know about? Am I going to have to move every time I go on a date?  (This guy lives a block away and runs a bar I go to a lot.  Also, my hair salon is attached to his bar).   I don't know what's worse: the fact that I got so upset or the fact that I kept texting him days after and being pissed that he was blowing me off (figuratively, this time). 

All I know now is that I know nothing about how real world dating works over the age of 25.  What do I know now?

1.  I'm never having sex again
2.  Visions by Grimes is a great sex album
3.  Don't trust anyone who puts on Bon Iver for sexy times
4.  I need a new hairstylist

The Life and Death of Jake Chambers

Here is my review for The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger - The Way Station #2 (isn't that an insanely long title?).  It's my first review to get published as a myIGN review on the weekly roundup of new releases :)

The second issue of the Way Station arc is yet another solid entry in the Dark Tower series.  This issue deals mostly with Jake Chambers and his life before Roland finds him at the Way Station.  Fans of the novel “The Gunslinger” will notice that while the story is essentially the same, little details have been brought in from “The Wastelands.”  These slight changes from the novel shouldn’t upset any hardcore fans and only service to make the transition from novel to comic book.

Campbell and Isanove continue to do excellent artwork for the series.  The reader rarely gets a full view of anyone’s face.  Everyone is drenched in shadows, which only leaves glimpses of Roland’s pain, Jake’s confusion and The Man In Black’s evilness.  This approach works very well in the New York scene.  They were able to keep their stark, moody approach to the desert scenes and apply it to a much more vibrant, urban setting, thus unifying the book stylistically.

This issue is extremely text heavy as it deals with Jake retelling how he came to be at the Way Station though it hardly feels like a long read.  With a great story, the introduction of a new character and great artwork to boot, this issue will satisfy any fan of the Dark Tower series.

8.0

Pre-Wednesday Release Catch-Up

I am currently still trying to catch up on some of the series in DC's New 52.  I've caught up to a lot of them so far (most are in issue 4 but this month, the #5's are out).  So far, I've been incredibly surprised by a few of the series.

As pretty much everyone who has written on the subject has said, Animal Man and Swamp Thing are two of the best series being written right now.  I mean, just check out this cover from Animal Man #5

I was also very surprised by I, Vampire.  The covers of this series makes it look like some terrible Twilight rip off.  But once I opened up and read the issues, the dark story and incredible art make up for the horrible cover art.

Here are some of the books I have read this week while trying to catch up for Wednesday.  (By the way, my pull list is getting way out of control)

Superboy #4

I don't know why I was so drawn to the Superboy books.  Every review has been lukewarm (justifiably so) and I was never drawn to this character in the first place.  But I enjoyed the Teen Titans cartoon on CN enough to be interested in the Teen Titans series.  Once I heard that Superboy will have a tie-in with that series, I think that drew me in.  It didn't hurt that the cover for Issue 1 was beautiful.

Unfortunately, the books aren't amazing.  That doesn't mean, though, that I'm not enjoying them.  I particularly liked this issue due to the bewilderment Superboy feels towards religion and faith.  The fact that none of it makes sense to him is something I can definitely relate to.  I also loved the display of grinch-itude.  Throwing a group of carolers and setting the Rockefeller Plaza christmas tree on fire is pretty admirable in my book.  Also, while extremely heavy-handed, we got some great quotes like "Faith is never an answer.  It's just a restatement of a question," and "...Somehow a dead tree suddenly represents the doorway to eternal life?  It doesn't make sense.  Why can't a tree be just a tree?"

The artwork continues to be richly colored with beautiful hues of blues and reds.  It's nothing out of the ordinary and is slightly generic but it services the story well.  It was nice to see something other than the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. labs and Silva and Lean did a good job at portraying NYC during Christmastime. 

Overall, a decent issue that seems to be setting some better character development up.  I have no problem with slow burner stories - unfortunately, until now, there has been no development - just melodrama.  Hopefully with the Teen Titans tie-in and Superboy finally coming to grips with who he is, this series will improve. 

7.5/10

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1 (of 6)

I only picked this up because I thought it would be cool to check out some more limited run series by DC.  I never read the last volume of THUNDER Agents (I'm not typing all those .'s each time - fuck that) but I thoroughly enjoyed this issue.  I don't feel like I know the characters well enough though.  There are parts where characters that seem like main people in the story are killed or kidnapped.  The cliffhanger also assumes you know who the villain is.  Since I have issue 2 on hand, I will just keep reading and hopefully things will be cleared up in the second issue. 

For now, I liked the development of Toby and Colleen.  The idea behind the free-will controlling helmet with a conscious is pretty interesting and am looking forward to how it is used in the next five issues.  The artwork is definitely worth noting in this issue as well.  The style looks a bit older but looks pretty great compared to the cover.  I was actually dreading reading this book solely on how cheesy the cover looked but the artwork inside the book was much better.

6.5/10

More to come pretty much everyday until I am completely caught up with all the series on my pull-list!

A Tale of Skryim, The DC Universe, Horrible Gays and Doormen

Hey, so, remember that time when I said I would write more and that more posts were coming this week? Well, that was almost three months ago.  Fuck man, I've been busy.

Just to prove to you how busy I have been, here's what I've been up to for the past three months.

- Sacrificing my social life and not going out to bars.  I tell people it's because I need to save money.  The real reason?  Skyrim, obviously.

- Took a trip home to North Carolina!  It was good to see people from NC.  There are tons of friends that I miss - boys who look like girls and girls with bigger dicks than most guys I know.  Although, honestly, it was hard being away from Skyrim.  So hard, I convinced my little brother to get his Xbox 360 fixed and bought him Skyrim for it...and didn't let him play it.

- Working.  But only to afford my expensive video game and comics addiction.

- Trying really hard to not get laid.  I know what you're thinking and I will say it for you.  The guys are all over me.  And for the most part this is true.  It's been a really great work out throwing them all off of me.  I'm too cheap to afford a gym membership so this is the only kind of work out I can get.  If I had to choose between toned arms and good, meaningless sex...I'm gonna go with a bag of chips.

- Making a complete fool out of myself.  Not only have I made countless rape and domestic abuse jokes at work only to see horror in the face of my co-workers, I just recently accidentally attempted to steal $40 worth of comics from my LCS (Local Comic Shop...get with it).  I also tell new guys I meet that I hate gay people which somehow isn't working in my favor.

As you can see, a lot has happened.  And 90% of what has happened, has done so in a fictional world called Skyrim.  I'm pretty much done with it (for now) and have shifted my attention elsewhere.  I have reignited my love for comics and am balls deep into this affair.  I'm going to try and do a weekly round-up of comic reviews and recommendations.


I will leave you with this funny anecdote about my attempt to get into The Mercury (a members only goth/industrial club here in Seattle).

The Scene: The Mercury.  The Crime: Blue denim.

It seemed innocent enough.  I was meeting up with my friends Ryan and Kamil at the Unicorn.  It was Friday and I needed to have some drinks with the gurlz, as one does.  I am dressed in just some normal jeans and a black button down and my leather jacket.  But then - a crisis started to brew.

My friend and co-worker, Shaun, texted me and asked if I wanted to meet him at the Mercury.  Fortunately, he is a member there a I had been wanting to check it out for quite some time.  I was like "FUCK YEAH BRO."  There was only one problem - a very strict dress code.  I was like oh well these jeans are dark and everything else is black - I should be fine.  I was anything but.

The second we get in the door, the door man (I'M NOT APOLOGIZING TO A DOOR MAN.  HE'S A DOOR MAN*) shines a flashlight on my jeans and gives me that smug "I-can't-believe-you're-wearing-blue-denim" face.  He tells me I won't be able to come in.  But then, his face lights up.  I quote, verbatim: "I'm not saying this as the doorman but as a member.  You can totally take your pants off and check them at the coat check.  And no one should give you shit and if they do, you can send them to me.  If not, the Crypt might still be open."  There are really no words to explain how I felt.  Not only am I not going to go buy a pair of pants to go into a club I'm already at, but my legs are whiter than my jeans ever will be.  Shaun suggested I just take my button down off and tie it around my waist after removing my pants.  I'm almost drunk enough to do it but instead, we head to Grimm's and then to Amante's where I eat my feelings to ensure that I will never want to take my pants off in public.

*Cheers to anyone who got my Bridezillas reference