You know that feeling when you hear a song and it just perfectly parallels your life? And, more specifically, it feels like something epic, something new and something no one else could ever comprehend? We all have that 14 year old tween in us so why not admit it - "THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN ABOUT MY LIFE YOU GUYS ~*~OMGOMGOMGOMG~*~"
This is why, when listening to "Shatter" by Liz Phair at work the other day, I felt like I had just been slapped in the face. It was like I was driving down the road and a big truck switched lanes without looking, pushing me off the Aurora Bridge. Then after floating through the Ballard Locks, the Puget Sound water pulled me out to the ocean until I landed on the heap of trash floating towards our shores from Japan. Once I floated back to shore, my life made so much more sense. And by make sense, I just mean that feeling written about above.
Let's be clear - only the first half applies. I'm not in love with anyone. But let's rewind and get some context.
I've been more or less celibate so far in Seattle. This is a combination of choice and accident. I've had the opportunity to but haven't wanted to. I've also wanted to but haven't had the opportunity. There would probably be more opportunities if I wasn't playing the new Final Fantasy obsessively but hey, who cares.
Point is, I got laid. And it was either just okay or earth shattering. Going without it for a year can make it seem way better than it was. Basically, I pulled a College move and after hanging out for the whole night and getting drunk, we hooked up. So what? It happens, right? It's happened to me before and neither of us were offended. Neither of us felt less respect towards the other. But that was my first mistake. And then it dawned on me - I'm not in fucking college anymore.
At Bennington, we only had 600 students so if you fuck someone on the first date, you have no choice BUT to see that person again. In Charlotte, everyone I knew went to the same bars and parties. But this grown-up world I now inhabit is completely different. And this was my first kick to the nuts that made me realize it. In the afterglow of this (most likely) amazing sex, he commented on the fact that I was easy and said that I was whorey. I know he meant it as a (mostly) joke. But I still don't give a fuck. I'm still pissed about it. I could have gone into a big spiel about how I felt a pretty big connection, thought he was really funny, it's been over a year and I chose him not because I was a whore but because I liked him, but really I would have just ended up looking desperate or in denial. All I could come up with was "Ummm...I mean you fucked me too. So why am I the whore?" His response? "I would have blown my load with or without you here." I didn't know what to say so I just went to sleep. Too much information? Yeah, me too.
Is the same double standard between men and women manifesting itself in the gay culture? The bottom is the easy one and the whore but the top is a man if he beds a lot of dudes? I, personally, think that is bullshit.
Basically, it all boils down to me not feeling sleezy about what happened. I felt pretty good about it actually. All until I was suddenly declared a whore. And that first stanza in Shatter really just perfectly described how I felt in that moment.
I've chalked it all up to a lesson on the "real world" dating rules I apparently know nothing about. All I'm worried about now is that I might trip and fall on a dick and be called a whore again. How many other rules are there that I don't know about? Am I going to have to move every time I go on a date? (This guy lives a block away and runs a bar I go to a lot. Also, my hair salon is attached to his bar). I don't know what's worse: the fact that I got so upset or the fact that I kept texting him days after and being pissed that he was blowing me off (figuratively, this time).
All I know now is that I know nothing about how real world dating works over the age of 25. What do I know now?
1. I'm never having sex again
2. Visions by Grimes is a great sex album
3. Don't trust anyone who puts on Bon Iver for sexy times
4. I need a new hairstylist
